fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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