Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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