Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
