I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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