mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
