The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize