Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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