Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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