Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
