At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
