Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
