Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
