I am spending my child support on dildos
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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