My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
