I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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