his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
