Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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