the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
