just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
