Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
