This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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