My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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