I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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