My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
