Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
