she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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