There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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