I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
