i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
