well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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