Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
