i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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