she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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