i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
