My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
