If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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