No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
