Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
