The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
