Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Shame - the story of my life.
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