stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
