I wish I could teleport
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
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