Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
