omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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