It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
