Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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