im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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