There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
