i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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