i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Randomize
