On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
