i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
