I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
