My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
