I cannot find my penis.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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