the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Buhtt sex?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
